View of a Struggle - Letter to a Loved One

Originally Posted: September 2021

First off, I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. I love you when you’re happy, I love you when you’re sad, I love you when you’re snarky and silly and angry and stubborn and goofy and blah. No matter what you are or what you feel, I love you and I always will.

But my love is not the most important thing. The most important thing will take a long time. It will seem stupid at times, pointless at others, and impossible at more times than either of us would care to count. But it will happen. The most important thing is this: that you love yourself.

Hey, I see you flipping me the bird. But I accept it. I accept it because I’ve been there. I’ve been at that point where I felt like no one understood the sh!t I was dealing with and no one would want to stick around long enough to see me through it. I’ve stood on that bridge and felt the knockdown waves of my history smashing into me and threatening to wash me over the edge. You know what? Eff the waves. You can swim.

Here’s the thing: I don’t love myself ‘cuz I’m perfect; Lord knows I’m not. I have scars. Lots of them. I have scars because I leaned on others who loved me and accepted me unconditionally, and I let my wounds heal. They don’t hurt me anymore. They’re not open and weeping. They’re smoothed over and ropey, sometimes even shimmery. They are my souvenirs from rock-bottom. They are reminders of how far I’ve climbed (and it's a helluva long way, baby!). They are my armor and I’ve earned every. single. one. I’ve paid for them in tears, frustration, determination, iron will, stubbornness, cussing, hard work, sweat, pride, screaming and now, peace.

What happened to you isn’t your fault. None of it. You aren’t responsible for a single second of it. That’s on other people with their own problems. How you feel after what you’ve been through is completely normal. But you made it. You are out and you are here and we are so proud of you! Now, as you heal, those of us who love you can and will help, but the hard stuff has to be done by you, little bit by little bit, even when you don't want to. It's sh!tty, but so unbelievably worth it!! Self-acceptance and love are daily exercises and, done diligently, the muscles get stronger every day. Some days are a step back, but it doesn’t matter as long as you take one more step forward after that. Maybe not right away, maybe sometimes you’ll need a rest. But the next day then.

“But Jen”, you may say. “I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.” Doesn't matter. It’s there waiting for you whether you can see it yet or not.

So, here’s the deal: you don’t have to love your whole self today. You don’t even have to like your whole self today. Just find one teensy little part of you that you like and bring it out into the sunshine for a walk. Talk to it. Tell it why you like it. Write its name down. Ask if it would like friends. (Psst…It would, please.) Then, tomorrow, find one other teensy little part of yourself that you like or that you think has potential and go introduce it to the first one. Take them both for a walk and let them chat. Feed them, give them sunshine and water and air and let their friendship grow. Picture who you want to be and nurture her every single day, even if only for five minutes. Every time you introduce another little part of yourself to the group, you’ll be a little closer to healing and being who you want to be. And then, maybe, just maybe, you’ll love yourself as much as I love you today.

Remember, tears aren't a sign of weakness, they're a sign you've had enough and it's time for an improvement. Tears heal; let them out, but don’t let them stay the night, ya know?

Hugs to you every single second of every single day.

Jen

P.S. If you need some help finding good parts, I know a few. Maybe start with how funny you are, or how compassionate you are, or how creative or kind or polite or friendly or sweet or...well, that’s plenty to be getting on with ;)