How to Help a Person Suffering a Mental Health Crisis

Originally Posted: July 2018

I wasn’t sure I was ready to share this. I’m still not sure. But, considering the loss of beautiful young souls that our community has experienced in the last two weeks, I don’t think my readiness matters.

***WARNING: This is a very personal post. If you are currently experiencing a mental health crisis the content could be triggering for you. Proceed with caution and please make a healthy choice appropriate to your situation.***

For several weeks in April through June of this year I found myself in a place I had hoped I would never be again. For reasons as yet unknown, my OCD and anxiety had flared worse than ever before and things had gone sideways very, very quickly and unexpectedly. I had been thriving for several years prior to the onset. While I looked fine on the outside, and generally WAS when with others, the rest of the time I was terrified, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, and panicked, and I found myself in an unrelenting battle; literally fighting for my life.

It came to a terrifying, excruciating pinnacle just after Memorial Day. I won’t go into detail as that is not the purpose of this post (I’m happy to discuss it offline if you’d like) other than to say that I did not attempt suicide, though it was a very near thing. I am in a much better place now, continuing therapy, working with my doctors to monitor my meds, and generally staying in touch with my “team”. There is no way I can ever express enough gratitude to those who walked with me through the darkness: my hubby, my mom, my dad, my kids, my family, my therapist, my doctors, my friends. The only way to ever repay their kindness is to pay it forward. That is where this post comes in.

It occurred to me that it’s hard for people to help someone in crisis. Yes, there is a stigma attached to mental health issues, but more than that, people often simply don’t know HOW or WHEN to help. Often times, and quite naturally, people say and do what they THINK is helpful without asking the person in crisis what they actually need, and it ends up being not helpful at all. I am fortunate to have a team that does know how to help and I’ve always been very open about what I deal with when it comes to OCD and anxiety and what I need from my support team. Not everyone can express those needs so I thought it might be helpful to create a list of suggestions for those helping a loved one through a mental health crisis.

Please realize that this list is not one-size-fits-all. It is MY experience. But if it helps save even one life, then good has come of it.

— First, what to KNOW and what NOT to do: —

*Don’t ignore it just because you don’t know how to handle it or it makes you uncomfortable. It’s there whether you acknowledge it or not. Acknowledge it!

*Realize that mental illness is as real as diabetes, epilepsy, hypertension, or any other illness that requires intervention to live well and can be as lethal as any physical illness could ever be.

*Know that it isn’t logical. Understand that it’s very real just the same.

*Don’t try to understand it. Hopefully you’ll never be in a position to and, if you’re not, it won’t make sense. You understanding it has no bearing whatsoever on how real it is for the person suffering from it.

*Understand that it can be excruciating emotionally, spiritually, even physically.

*Know that they may look fine and be completely functional on the outside while with others.

*Know that they are exhausted.

*Don’t try to “fix” it; that’s not your role. You are support and love. Mental health professionals are there to, and professionally trained to, counsel them and provide appropriate medication, if necessary, while helping them build a toolbox of skills with which to cope and begin healing.

*Don’t point out “all they have to live for”. It can be overwhelming and induce extra guilt about what they are experiencing.

*Don’t tell them it’s all in their head or try to bully them into getting better. Telling them to “snap out of it” and balance their emotions or neurotransmitters is like telling a Type I diabetic to produce insulin. That’s just not how it works.

*Know that thoughts or acts of suicide don’t mean that a person is weak. It likely means that they are exhausted beyond capacity from the relentless internal battle that they don’t get to step away from. Their enormous strength and courage are tapped out. It is not something that is contemplated casually or lightly. Nor does it mean that they are selfish or uncaring.

*Know that it’s ok to be scared for them.

*Know that meds and therapy take time to kick in and everyone adjusts differently. Some meds work better for some people than for others. Some even cause an initial “paradoxical reaction” that makes things much worse before they start to make things better. Some people don’t do well with meds at all. But SOMETHING WILL work. Help them hang on until they find it.

*Remember that this experience is happening TO them, but it doesn’t DEFINE them. In the same way that someone with cancer will not necessarily always be in treatment, someone with a mental illness or acute crisis may not necessarily always need to be in treatment, either. They aren’t “crazy”, “unhinged”, or a freak. They are in crisis.

*Know that there is help and counseling available for you, too, as you provide lifesaving love and compassion for your loved one. It’s a rough experience for all involved!

— Now, what TO do: —

*Ask how they are and mean it. Then LISTEN and accept the answer at face value - WITHOUT JUDGEMENT - no matter how strange or frightening. Put your own feelings aside in favor of supporting them.

*Encourage them to reach out for help. Help them track it down.

*Offer to take them to appointments.

*Ask what the best way is to help them. It’s ok not to know until then. The “best way” may change throughout their experience or even day-to-day.

*Offer to cook, clean, run errands, chauffeur kids. Even doing these everyday things can be too overwhelming for someone in crisis.

*Be willing to just BE with them. This was the most helpful to me even though my mom and hubby didn’t have to DO anything. They were just THERE.

*Help them just breathe.

*Ask them if there are coaching words or phrases that they find helpful that you can use when they are spiraling.

*Encourage them and point out any progress you see, no matter how small.

*Hug them if they need it as many times as they need it. Touch can be very anchoring.

*Allow them to cry, sob, scream, shake, swear, whatever. It can be a terrific release. Accept their tears at face value.

*Be a “safe place” for the item above.

*Be reachable. I reached out A LOT to my mom. She walked with me through many moments of despair and terror, sometimes several times a day. I can never repay her enough!

*Help them talk about what they feel without judgement.

*Listen more than you talk.

*If it helps them, pray with and for them.

*Let them be your guide whenever possible.

*Stick with them as they recover. They’ve been through hell on earth and it leaves a scar and a particular vulnerability. Recovery isn’t always a smooth path, either. Once they’re on the recovery path, remind them how far they’ve come and encourage them when they have a “one step back” day.

*Encourage and applaud healthy choices and behaviors as they shape their life in the light of recovery and learn to thrive again.

*Let them know you’re glad they’re here. OFTEN.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring enough about mental health issues and those who find themselves in crisis to learn how you can help. I hope to post something soon relating to how those in crisis can learn to reach out for, and feel comfortable accepting, help. Together we can save lives!