My Name is Cricket, and I’m a Chewer



My name is Cricket and I’m a chewer. There, I said it. Mom says it will help me work toward stopping, but I don’t wanna stop. I LIKE to chew. It feels amaze-a-doodles on my gums! She’s tried giving me special things to chew on – some of which are acceptable – but I still like my plan better, which is to gnaw on whatever I can reach. I think we’re at an in…im…impasse. Yeah, an impasse.

Anyway, I figured I’d better start making a list of stuff I’m allowed to chew on and try to focus on that, but all I can think about is the stuff on my Don’t List. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Cricket’s Don’t Chew List

  1. Rabbit poop
  2. Socks
  3. Fingers
  4. Toes
  5. Shirt sleeves
  6. Leather recliner levers
  7. My siblings
  8. Nipples
  9. Mushrooms
  10. Cords
  11. Man Parts (This one is Dad’s rule. I broke it once, even though he was wearing his flannel pants. Yikes!!)
  12. People food
  13. Plants
  14. My harness
  15. The kitchen table
  16. Shoes
  17. Lips and ears
  18. Slugs (This one is _my_ rule. Barf!!)
  19. Jeans
  20. Buttons

See? That’s, like, EVERYTHING good (‘cept the slugs. Really, just trust me on that one.)

Here’s My Can Chew List

  1. Chew toys
  2. My Taggie blankey
  3. My food and treats
  4. Sticks (but just a smidge ‘cuz they splinter and jump right over to my Don’t List )
  5. Grubs
  6. Ice cubes (this one is actually really fun!)
  7. There is no 7. Nor is there an 8, a 9, or a 10 through 20!

Do you notice the rather glaring difference in these two lists? Yeah.

But I’ll tell you what is tons of fun – ice cubes. Really! Mom or Dad, or especially my siblings, will give me one every so often and then clear out my really big kennel in the living room and let me loose. It’s crazy stupid fun!! The only problem is that I forget that it will stick to my beard at first. That’s annoying. The first two times it happened, Mom took me over to my water dish and stuck my face in it. At first, I thought she was water-boarding me or something, but then I realized I could breathe and the water melted the cube right off my beard. The third time I just went over to my water and did it myself. I’m a Schnauzer, you know, we’re wicked smart and learn pretty fast. The only other time it was a problem was when I grabbed it with my paw first. It stuck to my pad and I skated around for a bit. Anyway, if your mom says it’s ok, try the ice cube thing. I guarantee you’ll love it!

Alright, I gotta go get my nap on. Probably gonna dream about my Don’t List, but whatever. Mom’s lap is snuggly so I don’t mind at the moment.


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